There
are good movies. There are bad movies. There are REALLY bad movies.
Then, there are those movies that are so bad, the only thing that seems
logical while watching them is to asphyxiate yourself with a bucket of
popcorn. Unfortunately, it seems that this school year was filled with
the latter.
The year started off with a fizzle, bringing Carlmont something
called “Shark Night 3D.” This was the epitome of cheesy horror movies.
It had it all: predictable plot (“OMG THERE’S SHARKS EVERYWHERE!”),
idiotic characters (“Huh. I think I heard a splash three miles away in
the middle of the night. I’ll go by myself to check it out. Good thing
I’m wearing my barbecue-scented cologne.”), and copious amounts of fake
blood. Oh, and don’t forget an overwhelming amount of cleavage from the
eternally-bikini-clad actresses. A better name for this movie would have
to be, “Busty Women Running Around and Screaming for Two Hours... Plus
Some Sharks... 3D.”
November ruined any appetite we had for turkey with “Jack and Jill,”
the latest vessel for Adam Sandler to reprise his role as “Eternal
Man-Child.” However, some demented producer (who undoubtedly enjoyed
eating lead paint as a child) felt it was a swell idea to put Sandler in
drag and make him play his own twin sister. This brings up a valid
point: actors in drag don’t automatically make a movie funny. More often
than not, they make the audience want to stab their eyes out with their
ICEE straws.
The two notable exceptions to this would be “Mrs.Doubtfire” and “The
Rocky Horror Picture Show.” However, as “Jack and Jill” doesn’t contain
Robin Williams or delightfully campy musical numbers, it turns into a
nauseating entry on a long list called, “Reasons Why Adam Sandler Isn’t
Funny Anymore.”
“Contraband” (the first real flop of the new year) deserves a place
on the list of bombs because it’s one of those frustrating movies that
should be SO much more than what it actually is. It had all the aspects
of a great action-thriller: an interesting plot, intriguing
stunts/action sequences, and freaking MARK WAHLBERG. However, it suffers
from one of the worst faux pas that a movie can commit:
under-development.
None of the main characters receive any sort of exposition, and it’s
not even confirmed that they all have first names. Every time the
audience figures out what’s going on, a new plot line is introduced or
Wahlberg brings in a friend/lover/enemy/dog-walker that they’re
instantly supposed to understand and care about. “Contraband” isn’t sure
WHAT it wants to be, and the audience ends up unsure why they paid
fifteen dollars to get a headache.
However, the pinnacle of the bad movies, the worst of the worst, had
to have been “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.” Watching it is the
equivalent of bashing one's head into a flaming brick for ninety
minutes, and is considerably more painful. The plot is impossible to
follow, the acting is a disgrace (why is Nicolas Cage still being hired
for movies? The man looks and acts like a senile gorilla. Does
Hollywood simply feel bad for him?), and even the editing is awful. The
camera swings around like it’s attached to a drunken pigeon, and after a
fight scene a collective gasp is heard as the audience attempts not to
vomit from motion sickness.
No aspect of “Ghost Rider” was enjoyable, no breath of air taken by
any of the actors was believable. This was the kind of movie that turns
into a legend; the kind of movie some weird, foreign cult will end up
worshipping because they’re convinced it’s the root of all evil.
Fingers are crossed tightly in hopes that next year will produce more
quality films, but in light of the swill seen over the past year,
Hollywood has a high mountain to climb.
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