Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Looking Back

You know, looking back, I probably learned more in the first few years of school than I did in the later ones.
Oh sure, high school has taught me a lot of useful things. Equations for surface area. The periodic table of elements. How to drop an egg three stories without breaking it. You know, all the things I’ll need for a career in writing. But, truthfully? Looking back, it’s the lessons I learned early on in life that prepared me for the real world.
Preschool was a well of knowledge; it’s where you learn that unlike at home, you’re not the most important person in the world. There are other kids out there, people your age and your level that you need to learn to get along with. Some of them, you like a whole ton. Some of them, you want to push off the top level of the playground. That doesn’t matter. They are all people, and all of them deserve your respect.
Kindergarten is where you learn to treat others how you want to be treated (a rule that isn’t followed by nearly as much of society as it should be). Where you learn that recess is the exception, not the norm. Where you learn the twenty-six letters that will make up every picture book, every novel, every piece of paperwork you’ll ever read. Where you won’t appreciate the naps that you’ll yearn for later in life.
Then, later on, you learn another lesson. It starts with cursive in third grade, and is culminated by being forced to play “Hot Cross Buns” on a squeaky recorder. Sometimes, in life, you have to do things you don’t like. Things that seem pointless, and sometimes they really are. The lesson you learn, however, is that sometimes, that’s just life. You need to put your head down and suffer through the things you don’t like in order to reach the things you do.
The more school you go through, the more teachers and bosses you learn to get along with (despite how much they make you want to scream). Group projects come and go, leaving the knowledge that picking up someone else’s slack is, unfortunately, something we all have to deal with.
And now, we’ve reached graduation. A point in our lives when we are expected to be adults, to make our own lives and blaze our own trails. But, even as we head off to our “real” lives, we shouldn’t forget what we learned as kids.
That sharing is always going to make friends.
That though sticks and stones may break your bones, words hurt more than you’d think.
That you need to clean up your own mess.
That saying “I’m sorry” is sometimes the hardest thing to do.
And, most importantly, that you need to raise your hand. To speak up, and speak out. Because in this world, you need to learn to make yourself heard.
Good luck, seniors. And no matter where you go and what you do, don’t forget kindergarten.


How To: Have Fun at Prom

Brace yourselves. Prom is coming. And with it comes the inevitable stress that your night won’t live up to your expectations.
Luckily, as someone who has barely gone to any high school dances, I consider myself more than qualified to offer advice on how to make your prom night wonderful. Or, at the very least, memorable.
First: make sure you get a date. After all, it’s scientifically proven that going to a dance without one means you will have the worst time imaginable. Going with friends? Please! Everyone knows friends are for losers.
If you’re a guy, you probably should have asked a girl within the first few days of the school year. One can never start too early. However, since it’s illegal for girls to ask boys to dances we are left out in the cold. This is why it’s important to subtly hint to your love interest that you’d like to go with him. I recommend faking allergies, and inserting the word “prom” into every cough and sneeze. A large neon sign spelling the words “ASK ME ALREADY” can’t hurt, either.
Remember: asking someone to prom automatically means you want a serious relationship with them, so plan accordingly.
Next, outfit choice is very important. Not for boys, of course. Just throw on a tux and you’re ready to go. But girls have an entirely different situation.
First, you leave school early and hightail it to your local beauty salon. It will of course already be filled with dozens of other desperate girls, but give yourself the false hope that you’ll get there on time. Spend no less than two hours getting hair and makeup done, allotting for a few minutes of hysterical crying and insisting you look like a moose in drag.
Hurry home and stuff yourself into that dress. Spend another few minutes asking everyone in your surrounding area if you look fat, or ugly, or both. They’ll say no. Don’t believe them.
Meet up with your date and take a few awkward pictures during which neither of you knows what to do with your arms, then drive to the dance.
This is followed by the most important picture of your life: the prom picture. You will end up leaning on one leg, shoulders squished forward, head tilted ninety degrees to the left. You will feel very stupid, and look amazing. Or vice versa, as there is no middle ground with this.
Eventually you’ll start dancing. Remember: anyone can dance, as long as they only shuffle very slightly back and forth in one tiny area. Or jump. Jumping is always good, provided some girl’s heels don’t skewer through your feet.
There will inevitably be a few people at prom who truly know how to dance, and they will show off all night. If you value your reputation, DO NOT JOIN IN. Just stand nearby and try to absorb some secondhand coolness.
There will be a place for snacks. Guys can go after this, but ladies, don’t bother. You’ve already been sewn into that dress, and your perfect hourglass shape is not worth one mini hot dog wrapped in pastry.
The night will inevitable draw to a close, and after spending a few hours doing God-knows-what you’ll be back at home. Your ears will ring, your feet will hurt, and you’ll be content in the knowledge that tonight, you were a god among men.
That is, until you remember you have to wake up at six thirty to work at Starbucks; you spent five hundred dollars on a dress or suit you’ll never wear again, and you may or may not have lost your phone.
But, hey. That’s prom.


Procrastination Nation

You know, I had a really great plan for this column.
I was going to do all of this research on where the phrase “procrastination” came from, and then provide some anecdotes from my own personal life. Maybe throw some interviews in there. A few quotes from someone famous. Like Mark Twain. Or Kim Kardashian.
Yeah, this column probably would have made you all burst into sympathetic tears and eat the newspaper out of sheer jealousy. There would have been riots, and a few people would have been sent to the hospital after passing out on the staircases.
God, it would have been glorious. So I’m sure you’re all wondering what happened.
Well... I was sick. And I knew that if I wrote while I was sick, the column would just be a rambling account of me hacking up my own lungs.
And then I had to babysit. How could I be expected to focus on my writing when one kid is pulling on the back of my hair and another is slamming their own face into the drywall over and over, all while their baby brother somehow manages to get feces on every single inch of his skin?
After that... well, the weekend rolled around. My schedule was packed. First, I had to sleep in until it was physically impossible for me to get more sleep. After a busy breakfast consisting of me eating the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms in front of the television, I vacillated between eating, watching TV, eating, watching my computer, eating, checking my phone, and thinking about eating.
And that was just Day One. I still somehow had to squeeze in hanging out with my friends, watching a movie, and waking up in a cold sweat after remembering I had homework.
Then the school week came along. I had so much I had to do- homework, pretending to do homework, pretending I wasn’t pretending to do homework. Not to mention going to sleep while pretending to do homework.
I actually did start to write this a few days ago, but then I accidentally walked out of the room, went downstairs and turned on the television. This is very closely related to an event a few days ago when I tripped on my laptop cord and somehow opened Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and YouTube all at the same time.
So, I’m afraid that I have no ground-shaking column for you this month. But, can you really blame me?
I’ll admit it (and this may come as a shock); I’ve had issues with procrastination in the past. The constant battle to prevent it is an intense affair, costing many man-hours online and thousands of useless captioned pictures of cats sent to friends. I try to fight it. I do everything from turning off my computer to locking myself in a bomb shelter underneath my house. The latter usually fails, considering there’s still internet connection down there.
Either way, I know when I’m staring down the belly of the beast. Usually, it’s when I have seven essays and four tests to study for and I’m busy reasoning to myself that one more YouTube video won’t make a difference.
However, I do feel pretty bad about procrastinating this column (ironically enough, it was ABOUT procrastination in the first place. You know you’ve hit bottom when you’re procrastinating on procrastinating). So, why not try to turn over a new leaf? My New Year’s resolution was to stop procrastinating and as I put off starting my resolutions, there seems to be no time like the present.
So I promise, next month’s column will be amazing. I’ll start on it right after the new episode of Doctor Who. And after I get a snack. And I really should wash my car.
But then, it’s column time.

Talk Nerdy to Me

I am a nerd.
What? No wedgies up the flagpole? No shoving me into a locker? No swirlies?
I thought not. Because you see, I am a nerd and nobody cares.
It didn’t used to be this way. For a long time, being a nerd was a stigma. It was a word to describe people who were overly intelligent and obsessed with being so, who were socially awkward and constantly terrorized.
They roamed the school hallways in packs, whispering to each other in nasally voices in an effort to avoid beefy jocks whose sole purpose in life was to mock intelligence.
Their glasses were always taped, their pockets were always protected, and their pants were always wedged firmly under their armpits. In short, they were the collective Steve Urkel.
But something has shifted in the world of the nerd. Maybe it’s social consciousness that bullying might be a bad thing. Maybe it’s a change in personal confidence.
My friends are nerds too. And my family. And most of the people I choose to associate with. We wear that nerd badge with pride because these days (and here’s the shocker), being a nerd is actually pretty cool.
Being a nerd means you can have deep, philosophical conversations with your friends about the meaning of life and happiness, and then immediately switch over to discussing a YouTube video.
Being a nerd means that not only do you spend time reading books, but that you have favorite books. Or bands. Or plays. Or video games.
Being a nerd means yeah, you hang out with other nerds. But not because you’re afraid you’ll be picked on if you don’t. Because you feel comfortable to be yourself around them.
Being a nerd means you can spend your time pursuing things that not many other people may care at all about, but that make you happy.
It means you don’t have to know how to dance. It means you can openly admit to liking math or science. It means you can come to school in a Pokemon shirt and receive not punches, but high-fives.
Really, being a nerd right now just means you have passion for something.
Doesn’t matter what that is. Do you play in a band? Congrats, welcome to the ranks of the Music Nerds.
Are you obsessed with Broadway? There’s a group of Theater Nerds calling your name.
There’s Math Nerds, History Nerds, Gamer Nerds. You could even call the athletes at our school Sports Nerds.
So which nerd am I? I watch Star Wars and Star Trek; I could be a Sci-Fi Nerd. I’m a Fantasy Nerd, if you factor in my love for Tolkien and the Harry Potter series. I could be a Movie Nerd, a Music Nerd; I could even be a Swimming Nerd.
I belong to the ranks of several groups of nerds, and none are better than another. They’re just equally passionate groups of people spending their free time doing what they love.
So, everyone out there: when it comes right down to it, we’re all nerds. So let your freak flag fly. Embrace that nerd card, and wear it with pride. I know I do.
And, as always: live long and prosper.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Ten Plot Holes in: The Hobbit


(Note: I don’t mean to say I don’t like any of the  movies I feature in “Plot Holes.” I LOVE most of these movies. I just like making fun of them even more.)
1. Where does Gandalf keep going? Every now and again, he'll disappear for days at a time, only to reappear again, expecting everyone to worship him like the quasi-Jesus he is. Sure, he may be doing something important, but why can't he tell anyone? He and Batman need to compare notes on awkwardly disappearing.
2. Why Bilbo? We have over a dozen battle-ready dwarves with combat experience, a wizard with unfathomable power... and Bilbo. Three feet tall, never been combat trained, didn't even KNOW Gandalf before the adventure... and yet apparently, he's the best choice to accompany them. Shouldn't they just bring another dwarf to steal the sword away from the dragon? Perhaps one named Bimboor. Or Stan.
3. The mountain trolls manage to steal almost all of the horses from right under the dwarves' noses. The EIGHT-FOOT-TALL, loud, obnoxious, smelly trolls? They're either ninjas, or all the dwarves have astigmatism.
4. "Come, my elfin subjects. Let's travel hundreds of miles with our entire army to the battle of the dwarves, stop right on the edge of a cliff... and then turn back around without helping them. What do you mean that makes no sense and we're compromising a potential alliance that would benefit us later? I need to make my point that... er... well, they're FAR too dirty and smelly to be associated with us. Truly I am a great king!"
5. Bilbo learns to swordfight in one day, then immediately goes on to face goblins and orcs with ease. I have serious doubts about the training one has to go through to become an orc warrior.
6. How did Gandalf sneak into the goblin's throne room? He appears right before the throne, passing several THOUSAND goblins on the way. Did none of them see him? Did he turn himself invisible? Sort of makes the One Ring a little useless...
7. Speaking of the One Ring, why did it take Gollum so long to realize it was missing. Is this the same Gollum who threw himself into a freaking VOLCANO to go after this thing? The same one who, apparently, hears the Ring TALKING to him? This Ring is his whole LIFE, and yet around half an hour goes by without him noticing he dropped it. Couldn't the Ring just have said: "Hey, weirdo! I'm in this midget's pocket!"
8. If Radagast is such a great wizard, with just as much power as Gandalf, why didn't he help later in the war against Sauron? Wouldn't the Lord of Nature have gotten a little peeved at all the trees being pulled up?
9. The party is under the leadership of Thorin Oakenshield, the world's greatest navigator, and will follow him anywhere. The same Thorin Oakenshield who managed to get lost twice on the way to Bilbo's house, which all of the other dwarves found with no problem in the slightest.
10. Giant eagles. Just, giant eagles. What, you had those things the entire time and you're walking to the Misty Mountain?!

Ten Plot Holes in: Skyfall


(Note: I don’t mean to say I don’t like any of the  movies I feature in “Plot Holes.” I LOVE most of these movies. I just like making fun of them even more.)
(SPOILERS!)
1. A motorcycle can either slam into the side of a bridge or flip over the bridge. It can't do both.
2. How did Bond get to that island after being shot? He would've drowned after he hit the water from that height, providing the fall didn't already break every bone in his body.
3. M opens a spam email with the phrase "CLICK HERE TO WIN A PRIZE!" in the title. At this point, even a geriatric grandmother wouldn't do that. No one is that stupid.
4. Silva's plan relies on M16 relocating to the underground bunker after the attack, despite the fact that according to Bond, none of the agents even knew about it and it hasn't been used in years. Good things they didn't decide to, oh, hop over the the building next door.
5. An assassin slowly drills a hole in a window, aims a sniper rifle, and murders a man across the street. All the while Bond stands by and does absolutely nothing.
6. Armed assassins are coming to slaughter the head of M16, and the only warning she receives, despite being in a crowded room and surrounded by important personages, is a text message. Sent to her assistant. Which both ignore.
7. Why does every movie nowadays insist on keeping their captured bad guys in a glass prison with one inept guard? The guy's insane! At least put him in chains or something!
8. Bond takes M to his childhood home in the middle of nowhere, in order to hide her from Silva. That makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that he takes absolutely no agents along with him, has no backup, tells no one where they are going, and has no clear plan of what to do if Silva happens to come along with henchmen besides "run."
9. M and the groundskeeper escape into the dark night without a trace, then immediately turn on a flashlight and start waving it around. This woman is supposed to be in charge of every spy in England, yet she has the instincts of a lemming.
10. Silva's plan. Just, Silva's plan. Because any plan that involves getting captured for no reason other than hacking M16 from the inside (which he proved he could already do), having time and the means to escape, recruiting subway workers to assist him, detonating a moving train at the exact right moment, and knowing where your enemies childhood home is would have fallen apart if he made one, single mistake. Silva is smart, but he isn't God.

Ten Plot Holes in: The Dark Knight Rises


(Note: I don't mean to say I don't like any of the  movies I feature in "Plot Holes." I LOVE most of these movies. I just like making fun of them even more.)
(SPOILERS!)
1. WHERE IS THE JOKER? The star of the last movie, the reason for Harvey Dent's demise, and quite possibly the most destructive force Gotham has ever seen. Vanished, in a puff of smoke. And don't say that Heath Ledger's unfortunate death (RIP, Heath) is the reason. That's the reason Heath Ledger isn't in this movie. Why isn't the Joker at least mentioned? Are we supposed to assume he died? Escaped? Wrapped himself up in a  chrysalis and hibernated for ten-odd years?
2. We're told that Bruce is missing the cartilage in one of his knees. That doesn't just happen. Alfred must have sneaked into his room in the middle of the night and slurped it out with a vacuum.
3. Who the heck is Miranda Tate? She wasn't in any of the previous movies, even in passing mention. She's never been established as a character, and her one motivation is to set up a nuclear reactor in the middle of Gotham for no reason. Does Bruce need a sign that says "I'm a villain" over everyone's head?
4. Who is Selena Kyle? "The Cat" has no motivation for anything she does other than getting a chance to clear her past. But what happened in her past? Why does she suddenly not want to be a thief? Why has she started thieving in the first place? And WHO is that blond woman she hangs around with? Who cares! We get Anne Hathaway in a catsuit, and that's good enough for us!
5. What is Alfred doing for the entire second and third act? He abandons Bruce and does... what, exactly? Or do all butlers go into cryostasis when they're not needed?
6. How does everyone know Bruce is Batman? Bane knows. Miranda knows. Jack the Police Officer knows. Does everyone in Gotham secretly know and they're just too embarrassed to tell him to stop using that dumb voice?
7. Bane flies all the way out of the prison in the middle of nowhere... just to tell Bruce that he's leaving him in a prison in the middle of nowhere. What a mastermind.
8. Good thing punching someone in the back is a perfectly legitimate way of fixing a broken spine. Otherwise, Bruce would be completely paralyzed and his voice would be distinctly un-raspy.
9. "While I somehow managed to get back to Gotham, instead of going to stop Bane I will now spend hours lighting a building on fire in the vague shape of a bat. Gordon was right. I'm not the hero that Gotham wants."
10. What are we supposed to assume happens to Robin? Will he become Robin? Will he become the new Batman? You can't just throw a cop into a cave full of technology that only a genius can use and expect him to figure everything out on his own. The mot likely result was Robin getting overstimulated and curling into the fetal position on the floor.