I just had the best, most original idea for a movie EVER.
So there’s this girl, right? And she’s like, maybe seventeen or eighteen. That age where you’re fully capable of making life-altering decisions. She’s also awkward (because EVERYONE is awkward at that age), and maybe clumsy too. And gorgeous. Like, twenty-five-year-old-with-photoshop gorgeous. Yet- and here’s the best part- she’s totally incapable of talking to boys. Just like every high school girl, right? I’m pretty sure we still thought boys had cooties back then...
Her name is something typical, yet edgy. Preferably something like Kaytlynn or Malyssa. A name you’d be proud to wear in your forties.
Anyway, she has to go to a new school because her parents divorced. Or maybe her dad dies, or he loses his job. Whatever. Adult drama isn’t interesting enough to include. Not when we have cheerleaders to knock books out of people’s hands or football players to call someone a spaz then high-five each other.
You know. Real, gripping drama.
So at this new school, no one really notices her (the horror!) except this one boy. And he’s hot. Like, REALLY hot. So hot, his face probably melts of his skull once or twice a day, so he has to use eyeliner and hair gel to keep it on straight. And his name is something really cool and original, like Lucien or... I don’t know, Blayde. Something dangerous, with tons of x’s, k’s, and z’s. Those are the SEXY letters.
Immediately (seriously- within walking into the same room) the two teenagers realize they are meant to spent every second of the day together, discussing art, music, and philosophy. Like real teenagers do. Blayde is the first person to truly grasp the deep, dark, deepness of Malyssa’s seventeen-year-old soul, and Malyssa is the only person who can be around Blayde’s perfectly sculpted cheekbones without cutting herself on them.
But there’s a problem. A secret Blayde has been hiding from Malyssa. Blayde is secretly... a merman.
I KNOW. Who would have guessed?
Luckily for Blayde, this only makes him more attractive to Malyssa. However, the two of them can’t be together, because Blayde’s father (who sort of looks like Poseidon, but with eyeliner) forbids him to be with a human. And also, she might drown.
So the two of them see each other in secret, existing in a perfect world of snuggling montages set to a backdrop of late-eighties love ballads and the cries of eagles.
Can’t you just picture the beautiful, heart-wrenching dialogue the two will have? Blayde will look into Malyssa’s eyes and whisper, “I’d give up my tail and gil-lungs for you, my sweet anemone.” And Malyssa won’t say anything, because they’re underwater and she’s trying not to pass out.
A bad guy will have to come in at some point, but we won’t spend much time explaining who he is or where he comes from. We’ll just have Blayde nearly die saving Malyssa and some cool slow-mo shots of him strangling the bad guy with his perfectly coiffed hair. In the end, the two end up together and another love ballad plays us into the credits.
I can’t believe how amazing and original this movie will be. Now all we need is a title... something that’s short and catchy, and has nothing at all to do with the movie.
How about “Plethora?” That’s a sexy-sounding word.
I just wish there were more z’s in it...
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