You know, I had a really great plan for this column.
I
was going to do all of this research on where the phrase
“procrastination” came from, and then provide some anecdotes from my own
personal life. Maybe throw some interviews in there. A few quotes from
someone famous. Like Mark Twain. Or Kim Kardashian.
Yeah,
this column probably would have made you all burst into sympathetic
tears and eat the newspaper out of sheer jealousy. There would have been
riots, and a few people would have been sent to the hospital after
passing out on the staircases.
God, it would have been glorious. So I’m sure you’re all wondering what happened.
Well...
I was sick. And I knew that if I wrote while I was sick, the column
would just be a rambling account of me hacking up my own lungs.
And
then I had to babysit. How could I be expected to focus on my writing
when one kid is pulling on the back of my hair and another is slamming
their own face into the drywall over and over, all while their baby
brother somehow manages to get feces on every single inch of his skin?
After
that... well, the weekend rolled around. My schedule was packed. First,
I had to sleep in until it was physically impossible for me to get more
sleep. After a busy breakfast consisting of me eating the marshmallows
out of Lucky Charms in front of the television, I vacillated between
eating, watching TV, eating, watching my computer, eating, checking my
phone, and thinking about eating.
And
that was just Day One. I still somehow had to squeeze in hanging out
with my friends, watching a movie, and waking up in a cold sweat after
remembering I had homework.
Then
the school week came along. I had so much I had to do- homework,
pretending to do homework, pretending I wasn’t pretending to do
homework. Not to mention going to sleep while pretending to do homework.
I
actually did start to write this a few days ago, but then I
accidentally walked out of the room, went downstairs and turned on the
television. This is very closely related to an event a few days ago when
I tripped on my laptop cord and somehow opened Facebook, Twitter,
Tumblr and YouTube all at the same time.
So, I’m afraid that I have no ground-shaking column for you this month. But, can you really blame me?
I’ll
admit it (and this may come as a shock); I’ve had issues with
procrastination in the past. The constant battle to prevent it is an
intense affair, costing many man-hours online and thousands of useless
captioned pictures of cats sent to friends. I try to fight it. I do
everything from turning off my computer to locking myself in a bomb
shelter underneath my house. The latter usually fails, considering
there’s still internet connection down there.
Either
way, I know when I’m staring down the belly of the beast. Usually, it’s
when I have seven essays and four tests to study for and I’m busy
reasoning to myself that one more YouTube video won’t make a difference.
However,
I do feel pretty bad about procrastinating this column (ironically
enough, it was ABOUT procrastination in the first place. You know you’ve
hit bottom when you’re procrastinating on procrastinating). So, why not
try to turn over a new leaf? My New Year’s resolution was to stop
procrastinating and as I put off starting my resolutions, there seems to
be no time like the present.
So
I promise, next month’s column will be amazing. I’ll start on it right
after the new episode of Doctor Who. And after I get a snack. And I
really should wash my car.
But then, it’s column time.
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