Talk Nerdy to Me

I am a nerd.

What? No wedgies up the flagpole? No shoving me into a locker? No swirlies?

I thought not. Because you see, I am a nerd and nobody cares.

It didn’t used to be this way. For a long time, being a nerd was a stigma. It was a word to describe people who were overly intelligent and obsessed with being so, who were socially awkward and constantly terrorized.

They roamed the school hallways in packs, whispering to each other in nasally voices in an effort to avoid beefy jocks whose sole purpose in life was to mock intelligence.

Their glasses were always taped, their pockets were always protected, and their pants were always wedged firmly under their armpits. In short, they were the collective Steve Urkel.

But something has shifted in the world of the nerd. Maybe it’s social consciousness that bullying might be a bad thing. Maybe it’s a change in personal confidence.

My friends are nerds too. And my family. And most of the people I choose to associate with. We wear that nerd badge with pride because these days (and here’s the shocker), being a nerd is actually pretty cool.

Being a nerd means you can have deep, philosophical conversations with your friends about the meaning of life and happiness, and then immediately switch over to discussing a YouTube video.

Being a nerd means that not only do you spend time reading books, but that you have favorite books. Or bands. Or plays. Or video games.

Being a nerd means yeah, you hang out with other nerds. But not because you’re afraid you’ll be picked on if you don’t. Because you feel comfortable to be yourself around them.

Being a nerd means you can spend your time pursuing things that not many other people may care at all about, but that make you happy.

It means you don’t have to know how to dance. It means you can openly admit to liking math or science. It means you can come to school in a Pokemon shirt and receive not punches, but high-fives.

Really, being a nerd right now just means you have passion for something.

Doesn’t matter what that is. Do you play in a band? Congrats, welcome to the ranks of the Music Nerds.

Are you obsessed with Broadway? There’s a group of Theater Nerds calling your name.

There’s Math Nerds, History Nerds, Gamer Nerds. You could even call the athletes at our school Sports Nerds.

So which nerd am I? I watch Star Wars and Star Trek; I could be a Sci-Fi Nerd. I’m a Fantasy Nerd, if you factor in my love for Tolkien and the Harry Potter series. I could be a Movie Nerd, a Music Nerd; I could even be a Swimming Nerd.

I belong to the ranks of several groups of nerds, and none are better than another. They’re just equally passionate groups of people spending their free time doing what they love.

So, everyone out there: when it comes right down to it, we’re all nerds. So let your freak flag fly. Embrace that nerd card, and wear it with pride. I know I do.

And, as always: live long and prosper.

Open publication - Free publishing - More carlmont

Ten Plot Holes in: The Hobbit

(Note: I don’t mean to say I don’t like any of the  movies I feature in “Plot Holes.” I LOVE most of these movies. I just like making fun of them even more.)

1. Where does Gandalf keep going? Every now and again, he'll disappear for days at a time, only to reappear again, expecting everyone to worship him like the quasi-Jesus he is. Sure, he may be doing something important, but why can't he tell anyone? He and Batman need to compare notes on awkwardly disappearing.

2. Why Bilbo? We have over a dozen battle-ready dwarves with combat experience, a wizard with unfathomable power... and Bilbo. Three feet tall, never been combat trained, didn't even KNOW Gandalf before the adventure... and yet apparently, he's the best choice to accompany them. Shouldn't they just bring another dwarf to steal the sword away from the dragon? Perhaps one named Bimboor. Or Stan.

3. The mountain trolls manage to steal almost all of the horses from right under the dwarves' noses. The EIGHT-FOOT-TALL, loud, obnoxious, smelly trolls? They're either ninjas, or all the dwarves have astigmatism.

4. "Come, my elfin subjects. Let's travel hundreds of miles with our entire army to the battle of the dwarves, stop right on the edge of a cliff... and then turn back around without helping them. What do you mean that makes no sense and we're compromising a potential alliance that would benefit us later? I need to make my point that... er... well, they're FAR too dirty and smelly to be associated with us. Truly I am a great king!"

5. Bilbo learns to swordfight in one day, then immediately goes on to face goblins and orcs with ease. I have serious doubts about the training one has to go through to become an orc warrior.

6. How did Gandalf sneak into the goblin's throne room? He appears right before the throne, passing several THOUSAND goblins on the way. Did none of them see him? Did he turn himself invisible? Sort of makes the One Ring a little useless...

7. Speaking of the One Ring, why did it take Gollum so long to realize it was missing. Is this the same Gollum who threw himself into a freaking VOLCANO to go after this thing? The same one who, apparently, hears the Ring TALKING to him? This Ring is his whole LIFE, and yet around half an hour goes by without him noticing he dropped it. Couldn't the Ring just have said: "Hey, weirdo! I'm in this midget's pocket!"

8. If Radagast is such a great wizard, with just as much power as Gandalf, why didn't he help later in the war against Sauron? Wouldn't the Lord of Nature have gotten a little peeved at all the trees being pulled up?

9. The party is under the leadership of Thorin Oakenshield, the world's greatest navigator, and will follow him anywhere. The same Thorin Oakenshield who managed to get lost twice on the way to Bilbo's house, which all of the other dwarves found with no problem in the slightest.

10. Giant eagles. Just, giant eagles. What, you had those things the entire time and you're walking to the Misty Mountain?!

http://www.scotscoop.com/29090

Ten Plot Holes in: Skyfall

(Note: I don’t mean to say I don’t like any of the  movies I feature in “Plot Holes.” I LOVE most of these movies. I just like making fun of them even more.)

(SPOILERS!)

1. A motorcycle can either slam into the side of a bridge or flip over the bridge. It can't do both.

2. How did Bond get to that island after being shot? He would've drowned after he hit the water from that height, providing the fall didn't already break every bone in his body.

3. M opens a spam email with the phrase "CLICK HERE TO WIN A PRIZE!" in the title. At this point, even a geriatric grandmother wouldn't do that. No one is that stupid.

4. Silva's plan relies on M16 relocating to the underground bunker after the attack, despite the fact that according to Bond, none of the agents even knew about it and it hasn't been used in years. Good things they didn't decide to, oh, hop over the the building next door.

5. An assassin slowly drills a hole in a window, aims a sniper rifle, and murders a man across the street. All the while Bond stands by and does absolutely nothing.

6. Armed assassins are coming to slaughter the head of M16, and the only warning she receives, despite being in a crowded room and surrounded by important personages, is a text message. Sent to her assistant. Which both ignore.

7. Why does every movie nowadays insist on keeping their captured bad guys in a glass prison with one inept guard? The guy's insane! At least put him in chains or something!

8. Bond takes M to his childhood home in the middle of nowhere, in order to hide her from Silva. That makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that he takes absolutely no agents along with him, has no backup, tells no one where they are going, and has no clear plan of what to do if Silva happens to come along with henchmen besides "run."

9. M and the groundskeeper escape into the dark night without a trace, then immediately turn on a flashlight and start waving it around. This woman is supposed to be in charge of every spy in England, yet she has the instincts of a lemming.

10. Silva's plan. Just, Silva's plan. Because any plan that involves getting captured for no reason other than hacking M16 from the inside (which he proved he could already do), having time and the means to escape, recruiting subway workers to assist him, detonating a moving train at the exact right moment, and knowing where your enemies childhood home is would have fallen apart if he made one, single mistake. Silva is smart, but he isn't God.

http://www.scotscoop.com/27947

Ten Plot Holes in: The Dark Knight Rises

(Note: I don't mean to say I don't like any of the  movies I feature in "Plot Holes." I LOVE most of these movies. I just like making fun of them even more.)

(SPOILERS!)

1. WHERE IS THE JOKER? The star of the last movie, the reason for Harvey Dent's demise, and quite possibly the most destructive force Gotham has ever seen. Vanished, in a puff of smoke. And don't say that Heath Ledger's unfortunate death (RIP, Heath) is the reason. That's the reason Heath Ledger isn't in this movie. Why isn't the Joker at least mentioned? Are we supposed to assume he died? Escaped? Wrapped himself up in a  chrysalis and hibernated for ten-odd years?

2. We're told that Bruce is missing the cartilage in one of his knees. That doesn't just happen. Alfred must have sneaked into his room in the middle of the night and slurped it out with a vacuum.

3. Who the heck is Miranda Tate? She wasn't in any of the previous movies, even in passing mention. She's never been established as a character, and her one motivation is to set up a nuclear reactor in the middle of Gotham for no reason. Does Bruce need a sign that says "I'm a villain" over everyone's head?

4. Who is Selena Kyle? "The Cat" has no motivation for anything she does other than getting a chance to clear her past. But what happened in her past? Why does she suddenly not want to be a thief? Why has she started thieving in the first place? And WHO is that blond woman she hangs around with? Who cares! We get Anne Hathaway in a catsuit, and that's good enough for us!

5. What is Alfred doing for the entire second and third act? He abandons Bruce and does... what, exactly? Or do all butlers go into cryostasis when they're not needed?

6. How does everyone know Bruce is Batman? Bane knows. Miranda knows. Jack the Police Officer knows. Does everyone in Gotham secretly know and they're just too embarrassed to tell him to stop using that dumb voice?

7. Bane flies all the way out of the prison in the middle of nowhere... just to tell Bruce that he's leaving him in a prison in the middle of nowhere. What a mastermind.

8. Good thing punching someone in the back is a perfectly legitimate way of fixing a broken spine. Otherwise, Bruce would be completely paralyzed and his voice would be distinctly un-raspy.

9. "While I somehow managed to get back to Gotham, instead of going to stop Bane I will now spend hours lighting a building on fire in the vague shape of a bat. Gordon was right. I'm not the hero that Gotham wants."

10. What are we supposed to assume happens to Robin? Will he become Robin? Will he become the new Batman? You can't just throw a cop into a cave full of technology that only a genius can use and expect him to figure everything out on his own. The mot likely result was Robin getting overstimulated and curling into the fetal position on the floor.

http://www.scotscoop.com/27936

Django Unchained: A Review

It's not often that a movie comes along that is, as Julie Andrews once said, "practically perfect in every way," and while Django Unchained is not a flawless movie, one could easily place it in the top tiers of cinema.

Directed and written by acclaimed film mogul Quentin Tarantino, the story is a simple one of deceit and revenge. Django (Jamie Foxx), a recently freed slave, takes on the South itself in a brutal and visceral mission to rescue his wife, Broomhilda (Kerry Washington). He is assisted by dignified bounty hunter Dr. Schultz (Christoph Waltz), facing off against slave-owner Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio) and crooked house slave Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson).

Tarantino delivers another wonderful script- the dialogue is sharp and the story itself flows along wonderfully, managing to fill more than two hours without dragging. The cinematography is beautiful and stylized, bringing a flashiness to the gritty world of pre-Civil War America. It is, however, the actors that carry this piece along.

Foxx is magnificent as Django, displaying a cool solidarity in the face of horror. Likewise, DiCaprio's famous baby-face is all but absent; his role as 'Monsieur' Candie twists the actor into a psychotic, grinning monster. A snake in crushed velvet, assisted by a fantastic Jackson who nearly disappears into the role of Stephen, a traitorous house slave. However, it is Waltz as Schultz who carries the day, delivering a Golden Globe- winning performance that is at once hilarious and deeply human. The film is worth seeing for him alone.

The only real issue of the film may be its soundtrack; musical choices range from Spanish ballads to bass-heavy rap. Though the pieces usually make sense in context of the scene, at some points the songs are odd enough to momentarily distract one from the movie (a particularly memorable example involves a pounding hip-hip song blasting over an image of ten people walking in a field, not speaking to each other).

Additionally, this is not a film for the faint of heart. The language is foul, and gore abounds. In the span of one hour there are scenes of two men fist-fighting to the death, men getting attacked by dogs, branding, torture, shootouts, and even castration.

Django Unchained is nominated for several Academy Awards, and it earns them. See it, but be prepared to cover your eyes.

4.8/5 stars

http://www.scotscoop.com/25976

Supernatural Love

I just had the best, most original idea for a movie EVER.

So there’s this girl, right? And she’s like, maybe seventeen or eighteen. That age where you’re fully capable of making life-altering decisions. She’s also awkward (because EVERYONE is awkward at that age), and maybe clumsy too. And gorgeous. Like, twenty-five-year-old-with-photoshop gorgeous. Yet- and here’s the best part- she’s totally incapable of talking to boys. Just like every high school girl, right? I’m pretty sure we still thought boys had cooties back then...

Her name is something typical, yet edgy. Preferably something like Kaytlynn or Malyssa. A name you’d be proud to wear in your forties.

Anyway, she has to go to a new school because her parents divorced. Or maybe her dad dies, or he loses his job. Whatever. Adult drama isn’t interesting enough to include. Not when we have cheerleaders to knock books out of people’s hands or football players to call someone a spaz then high-five each other.

You know. Real, gripping drama.

So at this new school, no one really notices her (the horror!) except this one boy. And he’s hot. Like, REALLY hot. So hot, his face probably melts of his skull once or twice a day, so he has to use eyeliner and hair gel to keep it on straight. And his name is something really cool and original, like Lucien or... I don’t know, Blayde. Something dangerous, with tons of x’s, k’s, and z’s. Those are the SEXY letters.

Immediately (seriously- within walking into the same room) the two teenagers realize they are meant to spent every second of the day together, discussing art, music, and philosophy. Like real teenagers do. Blayde is the first person to truly grasp the deep, dark, deepness of Malyssa’s seventeen-year-old soul, and Malyssa is the only person who can be around Blayde’s perfectly sculpted cheekbones without cutting herself on them.

But there’s a problem. A secret Blayde has been hiding from Malyssa. Blayde is secretly... a merman.

I KNOW. Who would have guessed?

Luckily for Blayde, this only makes him more attractive to Malyssa. However, the two of them can’t be together, because Blayde’s father (who sort of looks like Poseidon, but with eyeliner) forbids him to be with a human. And also, she might drown.

So the two of them see each other in secret, existing in a perfect world of snuggling montages set to a backdrop of late-eighties love ballads and the cries of eagles.

Can’t you just picture the beautiful, heart-wrenching dialogue the two will have? Blayde will look into Malyssa’s eyes and whisper, “I’d give up my tail and gil-lungs for you, my sweet anemone.” And Malyssa won’t say anything, because they’re underwater and she’s trying not to pass out.

A bad guy will have to come in at some point, but we won’t spend much time explaining who he is or where he comes from. We’ll just have Blayde nearly die saving Malyssa and some cool slow-mo shots of him strangling the bad guy with his perfectly coiffed hair. In the end, the two end up together and another love ballad plays us into the credits.

I can’t believe how amazing and original this movie will be. Now all we need is a title... something that’s short and catchy, and has nothing at all to do with the movie.

How about “Plethora?” That’s a sexy-sounding word.

I just wish there were more z’s in it...

Open publication - Free publishing - More carlmont

Holiday Hell: A Satire

Aside from summer vacation and Black Friday, the holiday season is my favorite time of year. A solid block from Halloween until New Year’s, when we get to wallow in the beauty of overpriced poultry, jarringly-bright festive lights, and more familial tension than a 12-hour “Jerry Springer” marathon. Really, though, what’s not to love?

Consider the simple goodness of Halloween: a holiday that began as a pagan method of ushering deceased relatives into the afterlife (including human sacrifice and paying homeless people to pray for your family members), and now consists of encouraging children to dress up like a comic book character and walk around parentless, demanding treats from strangers.

This is one holiday that has remained just as whimsical and traditional as when it first started. I mean, what’s the difference between eating a nutmeg-based “soul cake” that signifies a soul being freed from Purgatory and a chocolate-based Mars Bar that signifies an upcoming root canal? Only that whole “Purgatory” thing, but that’s pretty trivial in the long run. Overall, no one could find a flaw in children accepting candy from groups of masked strangers. When has that ever gone wrong?

Thanksgiving is a holiday that keeps on giving (pun shamefully intended), providing us with everything we love about the holiday season: family, good food, and historical turmoil. After all, the only way to celebrate a bunch of Puritans crashing their boat into an enormous rock and massacring 700 Pequot Indians is enjoying a slice of pumpkin pie.

Coming too soon after Halloween to manage any pre-holiday diet, Thanksgiving basically does the same thing to our bodies as the stomach-babies in “Alien”: explodes our stomach without so much as a heads-up and leaves us to suffer. The recurring (but never actually true) plan all of us hold close to our cholesterol-caked hearts is that we’ll try to eat healthier this year. This lasts until we actually begin eating, after which we usually find ourselves reclined in our chairs with the buttons on our skinny jeans screaming for mercy, as our Aunt Flo stuffs a fifth piece of pecan pie down her throat whilst claiming, “I shouldn’t; I’m on a diet!”

(Personally, I intend to follow the “Just eat as much as you want and have fun” plan. I’ll let you know how it goes after my imminent triple bypass).

Then comes the great grandiose of the holiday season: Christmas. We put trees inside, lamps outside, and sing holiday songs that will surface in our subconscious again during mid-April and refuse to disappear until next November. Christmas is like what would happen if all the other winter holidays were put into a blender and pumped full of steroids; you’ve got the forced family bonding of Thanksgiving, the sugary confections of Halloween, and the skinny-jeans-ripping meals of... well, basically everything.

Plus, the best part of all: PRESENTS.

Now, I know the whole Grinch spiel of “maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more,” and all that holly-scented jazz. We all do, having grown up with Christmas specials that shove peace on Earth down our throats with cries of “EAT SYMBOLIC HAPPINESS, YOU TINY ELVES!”

But, lets be real here. Presents are the only reason you remember Christmas at all. Years from now, we may not remember the hot chocolate we drank or the moonlit walks past the blinking house lights, but we WILL remember getting a copy of Call of Duty instead of Halo, and subsequently throwing our XBox across the house in righteous indignation and refusing to speak to our parents until New Years.

Ah, the memories of the digital generation.

The only downside of the holiday season, for me at least, is how FAST everything seems to go. You’re halfway through taking off your Halloween costume when your parents begin ordering a turkey. Three days later, the Christmas Lights Fairy visits all the good little houses and covers them in traffic hazards. And then, before you know it, all that’s left is half a pillowcase full of candy, a skyline of leftovers in the fridge, and that one neighbor across the street who keeps his lights up all year round.

So, this holiday season, try to appreciate each moment. Revel in your younger sibling throwing up eggnog all over their stocking. Giggle in delight as your great-aunt asks why you don’t just cut your hair, you freakin hippie. Suffer in contented silence through hours upon hours of sappy Christmas movies that make your mom cry. Enjoy it while you can.

And, to all my fellow Jews out there: Happy Hanukkah. See you all December 24 for Chinese food and a movie. Happy Holidays!

http://www.scotscoop.com/24853

Open publication - Free publishing - More carlmont